Feelings Are Not the Guides to Your Reality

Have you ever felt swept away by a tidal wave of emotions, convinced that your feelings were telling you the absolute truth about your situation?

If so, you're not alone. Many of us have been there, riding the rollercoaster of our emotions and letting them steer our perceptions and decisions. But what if I told you that your feelings, while important, aren't always the most reliable guides to your reality?

The Truth About Feelings

As an expert in teaching people how to regulate their emotions, I've observed countless individuals grappling with the power of their feelings.

Here's a crucial insight: Feelings are neither right nor wrong, good nor bad. They're simply information. Think of your feelings as messengers, each carrying data about your inner world. They're not here to dictate your reality but to invite you into a deeper conversation with yourself.

The Power of Emotional Connections

To truly understand and process our feelings, we need more than self-reflection. We need connection with other emotional beings.

Emotional processing thrives in the company of others. Sharing and discussing our feelings allows us to gain new perspectives and insights.

However, there's a catch. For these emotional conversations to succeed, we must approach them with openness and personal responsibility. Also, only some people in our lives may be ready for these types of conversations, so be selective initially, especially when this type of communication is new to you. It might be helpful to seek the help of a counsellor, therapist, or coach to support you and teach you how to create a safe place for these emotions.

Owning Your Feelings

One of the most empowering steps in emotional intelligence is recognizing that your feelings are yours and yours alone. It's easy to fall into the trap of projecting blame onto others for the way we feel. "You made me angry!" or "It's your fault I'm upset!" Sound familiar?

But here's the truth: No one can make you feel anything. Your feelings are your own responses to situations and perceptions. By owning your emotions, you reclaim your power to understand and regulate your feeling world effectively.

A Real-Life Scenario: Navigating Relationship Challenges

Let's consider a common scenario: You're in a relationship, and your partner forgets an important date. You feel hurt, disappointed, and perhaps even angry. It's tempting to lash out, saying, "You don't care about me!" But pause for a moment.

Instead of projecting blame, try this approach:

Acknowledge your feelings: "I feel hurt and disappointed."
Communicate without blame: "When our special date was forgotten, I felt disappointed, which led me to think I was unimportant."
Invite conversation: "Can we talk about how we can both remember important dates in the future?"

This approach allows for a constructive dialogue, fostering understanding and growth in your relationship.

Self-Reflection Techniques

To better understand your emotions, try these self-reflection techniques:

Mindful Breathing: Take a few deep breaths, focusing on the sensation of air moving in and out. This can help create space between you and your immediate emotional reactions.
Emotion Labeling: Practice naming your emotions without judgment. "I'm feeling frustrated" or "I notice anxiety arising." T
Journaling: Write about your feelings, exploring their origins and patterns. Notice how you communicate your emotions and what themes emerge in your writing. This can provide valuable insights over time.
Body Scan: Pay attention to physical sensations in your body. Emotions often manifest physically, and recognizing these signs can help you identify and process your feelings more effectively. I like to start at the souls of my feet and slowly move up my body, checking in with each area and finishing at the top of my head. This is a personal preference, and you can scan in a way that works best for you.

The Path Forward

Remember, the goal isn't to eliminate, ignore or suppress your feelings. It's to develop a healthier relationship with them. We can only do this by opening ourselves up to experiencing them.

By viewing your emotions as informative rather than directive, you embrace a new part of yourself and enter a world of self-discovery and growth.

As you continue on this emotional journey, be patient with yourself. Learning to process feelings in a healthy way is a skill, and like any skill, it takes practice and time to develop. There will be pitfalls. Please do not consider them failures; they are only opportunities to learn.

Some emotional patterns of suppression and disconnection run deep and may even require some support to learn how to experience them safely.

Are you ready to deepen your understanding of your emotions and enhance your relationships? Take the first step today. The next time you feel a strong emotion arising, pause, take a breath, and ask yourself, "What is this feeling trying to tell me?"

Remember, your feelings are valid and important. They're just not the whole story. By learning to process them effectively, you can write a more empowering narrative for your life.

Dave is a Leadership and Life Coach living in Steveston, B.C., Canada. He is the father of two beautiful kids and the stepfather of two more amazing souls.

Dave’s expertise in helping individuals and teams who feel stressed out and exhausted and know they want something different was forged in a lifelong journey of experience and learning.

In 2017, Dave left a career as a Senior Manager at a large Local Government organization after a long journey back from the grips of ‘burnout’ to start Small Pause Coaching & Consulting. His philosophy about pausing and inviting in a new, deeper conversation has supported hundreds of individuals and organizational clients. He is a Certified HeartMath® Coach & Mentor, a Certified Trauma-sensitive HeartMath® Practitioner, a trained Equine Guided Learning Facilitator and a Certified Coach with the International Coaches Federation (ICF). Dave took his coach training at the Newfield Network in Boulder, Colorado.

You can learn more about his work at www.smallpausecoach.com or look him up on LinkedIn, Instagram or Facebook. Dave also expresses his creativity through the Small Pause Shop, where he designs apparel that supports living life ‘inside the pause.’