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Life is a tapestry of conversations. From the moment we wake up to the moment we close our eyes, we’re engaged in constant dialogue with others, our environment, and, most importantly, ourselves.
In the speed of modern life, we often overlook the most crucial conversations — the ones we’re not having.
These missing dialogues hold the key to personal growth, deeper relationships, and transformative experiences. These conversations can be the ones we talk ourselves out of having because they are uncomfortable, or we feel they will be embarrassing or make us look incompetent in some way. I’ve learned these ‘missing conversations’ are the conversations that are fundamental game changes. By embracing the practice of identifying and leaning into the conversation that may be missing, we kick open the door of possibility and begin to create situations and experiences that were not there before.
Let’s embark on a journey to discover the power of these unspoken words and how they can reshape our world.
The Symphony of Silence: Understanding Missing Conversations
Imagine a beautiful symphony where certain instruments remain silent. The melody is pleasant, but it lacks depth and richness. Our lives are like this symphony — complete in many ways, yet missing vital notes that could elevate our existence to new heights. These missing notes are the conversations we’ve been avoiding, the questions we’ve been afraid to ask, and the truths we’ve hesitated to confront.
As already been eluded to, these missing conversations come in various forms:
The Internal Dialogue: The honest conversation with yourself about your dreams, fears, and values.
The Professional Leap: That challenging discussion with your boss about your career aspirations or concerns.
The Relationship Bridge: The heartfelt talk with your partner about your future together or unresolved issues.
The Family Reconnection: The long-overdue conversation with a family member to heal old wounds.
The Societal Contribution: Engaging in difficult dialogues about social issues that matter to you.
Each of these conversations holds the potential to unlock doors to growth, deeper connections, and a more fulfilling life, so keep an eye out for them.
The Transformative Power of Embracing the Unspoken
When we muster the courage to engage in these missing conversations, they often act as catalysts for profound change. Take, for instance, my personal experience back in 2005. I was at a crossroads in my career, feeling stuck, frustrated, and unsure of how my leadership abilities were contributing to the organization I was working in. The missing conversation in my life was the one I needed to have with myself about my potential and the direction I wanted to take.
Then, through a series of serendipitous circumstances, I discovered Equine Guided Coaching — and what I would come to know as a powerful approach to leadership development. This experience led me to have that crucial internal dialogue I had been avoiding. As I worked with the horses and my coach, I uncovered layers of self-doubt and limiting beliefs holding me back and cutting me off from possibility. Through the process, I was able to embrace the role of creator.
This missing conversation with myself, facilitated by the coaching environment, became a turning point in my life. It enhanced my leadership skills in ways I couldn’t have imagined and ignited a passion for coaching and sharing my experiences with others. All because I leaned into a conversation that might never have occurred otherwise.
Identifying Your Missing Conversations: A Journey Within
You might wonder how we identify these elusive dialogues in our lives. How do we connect with a missing part of us?
I’ve learned that it starts with introspection and a willingness to be honest with ourselves. Here are some reflective exercises to help you uncover your missing conversations:
Journaling Prompt: Spend 10 minutes writing about areas in your life where you feel stuck or lack fulfillment. Hypothesize why that might be. Take some time to listen to what your inner voice is saying. What conversations might help you move forward?
Play the ‘What If’ Game: Ask yourself, “What if I had the courage to speak up about _________?” Fill in the blank with different scenarios and notice which evoke strong emotions. Say it out loud and see how it feels. You will know when you are on the right track.
Relationship Inventory: List your key relationships and reflect on any unresolved issues or unexpressed feelings in each. Through these issues and feelings, imagine what it would be like not to have these barriers. What would be possible? How would your relationships be transformed?
Career Reflection: Visualize your ideal professional life. What conversations need to happen to bridge the gap between your current reality and your aspirations?
Values Alignment Check: Assess whether your daily life aligns with your core values. Where are the disconnects, and what conversations might help realign them? If you want to take your value assessment one step further, you could work through my “Getting to the Heart of Your Values” Workbook.
Embracing the Uncomfortable: Strategies for Difficult Dialogues
Once you’ve identified your missing conversations, the next step is to embrace them, even when they’re uncomfortable. Avoiding discomfort is a natural part of being human. It is wired into our physiology, so it takes courage and self-awareness to lean into this process. Over time, you will find the conversations you categorize as difficult now will not be difficult later. Here are some strategies to help you navigate these challenging dialogues:
Prepare Mentally and Emotionally: You might be ready to have these conversations but must recognize that others may not. If you have these conversations in a fair, just, and sensitive way, many will participate willingly. This is why it is vital to prepare emotionally. Take some time to ground and center yourself. I like to recommend HeartMath® Techniques to my clients as they are scientifically proven ways to invite more coherence into your body.
Set Clear Intentions: Define what you hope to achieve from the conversation. Focus on understanding and finding common ground rather than “winning” an argument.
Choose the Right Time and Place: Select a time when both parties are calm and a place where you feel safe and comfortable.
Use “I” Statements: Express your feelings and perspectives using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. There is no better way to invite defensiveness into a conversation than talking about how someone caused you an issue.
Listen Actively: Give the other person your full attention. Seek to understand their perspective before responding. Ensure that there will be no distractions.
Be Open to Outcomes: Remember that the goal is to have the conversation, not to control its result. Be open to unexpected outcomes and new understandings.
The Ripple Effect: How One Conversation Can Change Everything
When we engage in these missing conversations, we often find that their impact extends far beyond the immediate dialogue. Like a stone thrown into a pond, the ripples of these conversations can touch every aspect of our lives.
For example, that difficult conversation with your boss about your career aspirations might lead to new opportunities within your company or give you the clarity to pursue a different path altogether. The heart-to-heart talk with your partner could deepen your connection, leading to a more fulfilling relationship and positively affecting your overall well-being.
These conversations have the power to:- Boost self-confidence and self-awareness- Improve communication skills- Strengthen relationships- Accelerate personal and professional growth- Align your life more closely with your values and aspirations.
Your Journey Begins Now by Taking the First Step
As we conclude this exploration of life’s missing conversations, remember that every transformative journey begins with a single step. Your step might be a whispered acknowledgment to yourself about a change you need to make or scheduling that long-overdue talk with a loved one.
Here are some practical first steps to get you started:
Commit to Self-Reflection: Set aside time each week for introspection. Use the journaling prompts provided earlier to uncover your missing conversations.
Seek Support: Consider working with a coach or therapist who can guide you through difficult conversations and personal growth.
Practice Vulnerability: Start small by sharing something you’ve been holding back with a trusted friend or family member. Through this practice, you can move on to the more significant issues.
Set Conversation Goals: Identify one missing conversation you want to have in the next month and plan to initiate it.
Celebrate Courage: Acknowledge your bravery each time you engage in a challenging dialogue, regardless of the outcome.
Remember, the most profound changes often come from the conversations we fear the most. Embracing these missing dialogues opens doors to new possibilities, deeper connections, and a more authentic life.
As you embark on this journey of discovery and growth, be kind to yourself. Each step forward, no matter how small, is a victory. The missing conversations in your life are waiting to be found — and with them, the keys to unlocking your full potential.
Your next transformative dialogue is just a brave moment away. What conversation will you choose to have today?
Dave is a Leadership and Life Coach living in Steveston, B.C., Canada.
Dave’s expertise is with individuals and teams who feel stressed out and exhausted and know they want something different.
In 2017, Dave left a career as a Senior Manager at a large Local Government organization to start Small Pause Coaching & Consulting. His philosophy about pausing and inviting in a new, deeper conversation has supported hundreds of individuals and organizational clients.
He is a Certified HeartMath® Coach & Mentor, a Certified Trauma-sensitive HeartMath® Practitioner, a trained Equine Guided Learning Facilitator and a Certified Coach with the International Coaches Federation (ICF). Dave took his coach training at the Newfield Network in Boulder, Colorado.
You can learn more about his work at www.smallpausecoach.com or look him up on LinkedIn, Instagram or Facebook.
Dave also expresses his creativity through the Small Pause Shop, where he designs apparel that supports living life ‘inside the pause.’
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